Parenting.....

Do you ever feel as though sometimes you just aren't meant to be a parent?

I mean, like you just want to run away?

I'm having one of those days.  I want to pack a bottle of wine and head for the hills away from everyone and everything.

This summer, the hubs and I decided to take the boys out of childcare for the summer.  It has saved us a lot of money (close to $1000 a month) having them home. We were able to take a vacation and pay for it without using credit.  We've had a little extra money to splurge on a few little things.  That being said,  today I got a reality check from my older son.

I am tired.  I worked last night.  I came home and after breakfast went to bed.  

I was awakened at 10:30 by a screaming child and then a screaming husband at the child for waking me.  It was just a cluster that I can't stand.  One child went with him and the other stayed home.  I went back to bed.  Like I always do after working 12 hours.  I was back up just after 1pm.  The rooms were a mess and the boys were at each others throats.  I am so tired of the bickering and "he did this" and "it's his fault".  Then my older son said, 

"well mom you're always asleep and dad is always gone". 

 I guess in his eyes that's how he sees it.  Yes there have been days this summer we have had to stay inside because I needed to sleep before/after work.  And my husband was gone a lot working.  Although he's gone a good bit, I am grateful for this job that helps us have the little extra things we want.

I feel bad.  Like I have been a bad parent.  I feel like I wasn't "there" for them enough.  Maybe if I had been around more they wouldn't have fought as much.  Maybe there wouldn't have been as much bickering.

But then I think that I only work part time.  It's not as though I am gone 3-4 nights a week and am  sleeping all the time.  We did go on vacation, and Ryan got to go to summer day camp for a week.  We spent as much time at the pool as the weather allowed.  (This cool summer has really put a nip in the pool time). And I know that working at the gym interrupts some time, too.  There were days we had to be up early because I had a class first thing.  Some days we got to sleep late.  I have a few days off just before school starts and really hope to make the best of it.  As of Sunday I will not be teaching anymore at my current gym.  That will give me a little freedom on those days to just "be" with them.  

I am hopeful that during this school year they will learn to understand how much we as parents do for them.  How money doesn't grow on trees.  Jobs are necessary to pay the bills and afford them the luxuries they have.

God please give me a softer heart tonight.  Help me to see past the hating and the bickering and know it won't last forever.  Help me see that I am doing the best for my kids that I can at this time.  Parenting is not easy. And I need help.

Hoping for a brighter day tomorrow (and I will have to nap, yet again).

Renee